Silence is one of the most important ‘things’ I have learned from Eli Jaxon-Bear and his Leela School teachers. I cannot live without that anymore, as I have experienced it is part of who I am. Silence taught me that spiritual awakening is not a matter of adding.
Recently I went through a period of challenges in both my professional and private life. One problem piled up on top of the other. Dear friends were facing disease and death, another old friend’s son was missing for a month and was later found drowned, I was threatened legally for the first time in my life, and the second time came within one month. I felt very stressed, and when I was trying to handle everything practically and emotionally, my mind was running a million miles an hour, day and night. It will be no surprise to you that I felt exhausted. Fortunately, ever since I met Eli, it never lasts long before the longing for silence comes up. The busier I get, the stronger the pull of silence. I only have to give in; to surrender.
Silence appears to have many faces. Relative quiet moments in which we can reflect, rest and recover. When my mind slows down even more, deeper stillness comes up and takes awareness with it. More and more ‘problems’ are seen through as illusions, or human egoic reactions. But how to silence the mind when you feel attacked or trapped by your situation, by life, by death?
The Enneagram of Awakening
In my experience, true self investigation is crucial. Eli’s enneagram of awakening helps me do just that. I heard of the enneagram before but was never very interested because I found it was a rather complicated way to put people in boxes, and I resented that. Through the Leela School I was taught to use the enneagram in the opposite way. It shows me who I am not; where I identify wrongly. How revealing. I became more aware of my egoic movements and they started softening more and more. And yes, then sweet silence can take over.
Am I already ‘there’?
Awake? The perfect student doing everything right? No, of course not. I stumble
and fall, but more importantly I stand up and focus back on the truth. In the
mean time I really do take my steps at my own pace. And I enjoy the journey
because using the enneagram of awakening for my personal investigation gave me
already many moments of true silence.
True Silence is, of course, the real refuge. Always and certainly when life is testing you seriously. Then the mind stops, future and past dissolve, and with that all longing, wanting or worrying. Only the present moment remains. A deep peace rises from being this empty. All turmoil reduces to the simple Truth. Love and Gratitude are naturally revealed.
I found spiritual awakening is not a matter of adding anything. It is the ultimate letting go. Nothing to say or do. Just be That.